Of Love, Dreams and Aspirations

Flawless skin complexion , hour glass figures , silky, long jet-black flowing hairs , that sultry lips . She possessed almost all of those ideal qualities , coupled with an amicable personality and a dazzling smile , I could find no reasons to resist giving my heart to her , as though any men in the world would be able to resist her,

The first time our eyes met , everything seems to slow down , the background fades into a blur , leaving behind the only focus , her . You know what they say about falling in love for the first time? Like in a romantic love scene , time seems to stand still at that exact moment . My heart skips a beat , and then another beat.. and slowly but surely began to palpitate at a pace I was unfamiliar with.

My face expression gave in , and the awkward smile began fading away , giving a blushed , flustered look. I guessed Lady Luck was smiling at me . Either that or it must have been a figment of my imagination , because I swear , at that moment , I saw an angel smiling at me.

It was a cute grin at first , but it slowly turned into a mesmerizing , dazzling smile . I was speechless , stunned even. All I could do was to reply with an awkward looking smile . After what seems like an eternity to me , we started talking , with she started the conversation first.  Her voice was an absolute bliss.

It started with a small , casual talk . But I guessed the regular chat through the net and phone did the trick . The once casual talk that we had grew into endless conversation and what began as casual admiration feeling slowly grew into love.  The rest ,as they said , is history ;).

***

Now , that would be how I envision my love life would be after countless watch and re-watch of romantic dramas and movies but unfortunately reality is just too harsh and is totally different from the usual fantasy portrayed in the movies.

Instead of the dazzling , handsome prince riding a white horse , I am but an average-looking Average Joe with no transportation whatsoever except my pair of old , but workable legs. And instead of beautiful , model-like women accidentally bumping into me and we had love at the first sight sort of thing , the closest physical contact I ever got with a women was holding a little kid’s hand while crossing the road. ( A little bit too much of exaggeration but , oh well u get the idea :P ).

Geez, reality sure is harsh huh. Not to mention , instead of elegant , charismatic princess-like women surrounding me , in reality , you are most likely get a bunch of women with different , complicated personality and very little , if not none of that princess like features that I mentioned aforehand. Not that beauty is a big issue . Beauty itself is a very subjective thing and every people viewed it differently . So, someone who you deem as not so good-looking might be very good looking to others and vice versa. However, the things that irate me are the complications, or more appropriately termed  “patterns” shown by some girls.

Over the few years , I have seen much patterns shown by some girls . These includes egoistic, control-maniac, princess syndrome , perfectionist , and etc. Girls that have egoistic behavior and princess syndrome are basically the same , in the sense that they take everything men do for granted , without any sense of gratitude or even appreciation to them. The control maniacs on the other hand , will assume authority in every matter , without even listening to other’s opinions . Whereas the perfectionists , are the one that would demand perfection in everything , insisting that people did not give their best without realizing that everyone’s limitation of giving their best is different .Of course, even us men are susceptible and liable to these “patterns” but in our defense, these stereotyped patterns are found more generally in women.

I digressed. As the main focus of this post today is about how I envision my love life to be , I shall refrain from expounding further on that argument . So, going back to how love life should be.

 As a romanticist at heart , obviously I would want that ideal situation with that ideal model- like women. But as I slowly grew up and attained maturity . Slowly but surely , I realized that if the environment itself is hard to change , then change yourself. Beauty is subjective to your own perspective . And beauty itself may not necessarily be the determining factor. There are lots of other factors contributing to love. Plus, who says love can be predicted or anticipated? When love comes, you just fall head over heels.. And they call it fall in love , because you literally fall into it , something that you can never prepare or anticipate for it beforehand.

And like what one of my friend said, sometimes it’s all the imperfections that made it perfect. For now,  I don’t want to look for the girl with the perfect hour glass figures , flawless complexion and pretty face . I am looking for someone who would love me as much as I love her ;) .

Ah… the things I would love to do with a lover .. They are countless ! Top of my list being to travel around the world , visiting fascinating Mother Nature’s creation , one at a time, a guitar by my hand, another hand holding hers , and enjoying life to the fullest !!!

Oh well, guess that would be left for the future me to deal with. As for the present me, all I need to do is to enjoy the presence , and enjoy life, one step at a time  ;) Till the happiness in the not too distant future comes ,  hopefully I shall be able to continue retaining this positive attitude. See ya ~ 

The scene that inspired this post. Scene from Roraima Mountain , Venezuela .

The Blue Moon

Like the proverbial lonely wolf staring at the moon’s reflection on the pond, longing for something that seems so near , yet so far , I sit here in this unearthly hour , staring at my monitor screen , with a mundane , post-depression feeling , accompanied by a melodramatic music playing in the background. Surreal.

Finally , it ends. The onslaught of activities that once cornered and strangled me , almost killing me in the process, have finally ceased to exist. They have finally ended. No more. I should be happy , shedding the tears of joy , jumping around like mad man , grinning like a clown , and be on cloud nine , yet none of that happens. It was just a simple feeling of relief , and that’s all . Before this I was deeply anticipating the end of it , the beginning of something new , but now that it has ended, I still feel as empty as I was feeling during the activities were held.

I wonder if I have feelings anymore. I feel so tired . Sometimes, I really wonder, do I really have a place to belong to ? It was weird , seeing how the rest relentlessly commit themselves, sacrificing their sweat ,blood and tears to do something that , in logical and rational thinking , will almost contribute nothing much to their future . Yet they seemed so happy doing it , and seems to be fully enjoying themselves every second.

I dunno . Somehow, the things that can intrigue or amused me seems to be gone little by little. Perhaps it is the process of growing up , but I am getting less amused by everyday happenings. It is as though there are nothing much that can bring my moods up and amuse me. It is as though as I give up looking forward for optimism and the promised happiness. It is as though hope has abandoned me.

From the start, I knew that I have strong inter and intrapersonal skills. It may sound abit egoistic and arrogant , but trust me , it is not. This statement is a mere jurisdiction of my analytical skills judging from my interest of people. I also knew that I am easily bored and can be very hard to be entertained from the start. However, I couldn’t imagine it could be this bad.

I know that I am not alone. I know that there are thousands , or maybe even millions more out there that have the same personality or attitude as mine. We, the silent millions are the ones who smile and put on a cheerful persona outside , the ones who are labeled optimists , happy-go-lucky people , the one who never gets tired or depressed. Yet, we know, deep inside, when we are alone , mind tricks began to collude our minds , the inner pessimistic realists take over , and we are left perplexed with the onslaught of confusing questions bombarding our minds.

So, tell me brothers and sisters , how do we solve the age-old mystery of acquiring happiness ? A few days ago , I was walking with one of my friend when we were asked to make a wish on the wishing tree nearby. I wished for happiness, love and joy. Is it that hard to achieve? In retrospect , I had acquired a prediction from a temple . The prediction, or more precisely , premonition about me states that in my life and future undertakings, I will be faced with a lot of obstacles before gaining tremendous success in the end. However, the pain is slowly killing me. How much longer must I endure to taste the sweet victory of success ?

 Just a moment ago , I was reading an article in newspaper that intrigues me. That article was talking about recognition and acknowledgement after death , which truly make a point. The writer cites the case of Amy Winehouse, a singer whose life was plagued with drugs abuse and whole lots of problems . Only after her death , she was recognized and acknowledged for her good deeds, the good side of her , the pain she suffered battling drugs , the fragility and tragedy of her life story. This is terrible. Why do we , humans only notice the hidden sides of someone , only after his/her death ? Why do we fail to know a person’s idiosyncrasies , the story of his life , the multiple facets of him when he was alive ? Why must we wait for his death only to moan and regrets not spending a little more time with him, eulogizing words of appreciation and his good deeds. Why? In the writer’s word “ Dying is the key to getting noticed” .

In a way , I supposed it was true. Maybe death is a way of saying that someone is human. Someone wants to be known , to be noticed . Someone has a story to tell. Someone has desires and wishes , hopes and failures. Someone wants a place in this world to belong to , to be loved and to love. Someone’s life wasn’t just about the things he did or said,but also about the things left undone or unsaid.

When I read the article , I felt a deep sense of nostalgia and a strong connection . Perhaps I am that someone who craves attention , but did not ever have the proper channel to display it, someone who is trying to find a place to belong to , yet fails to fit in any community . I am trying to change. I have had enough of being the “cheerful” guy . Sick and tired of being the joker or clown of the group . People ought to be more sensitive with their remarks.Just because I might fool around and crack some nonsensical jokes, it doesn't mean I can't be serious and emotional .So , please , grant me the strength to change , to overcome the fear of rejection , and to accept the courage of conviction.

As mentioned afore, the premonition states that I have many more battles to overcome before I can finally achieve success. So , I guess that means there will be more emotional , depressing even , gloomy blog posts to come in the future . Oh well , only those who had braved the stormy seas will find glory anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Wishing all the best for myself , and as always , hoping for love, happiness and peace for you and me ;). Until next rant ~. =D

 

The 3rd Perspective

Now picture this situation , imagine there's two people. One of them is someone who is willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of an event , in the name of responsibility and passion , staying up late till unearthly hours almost every night , covered with blood , sweat and tears. The other one, is someone who is rejecting any involvement with the event mentioned afore, because his top priority is that of studies and academic excellence and to him , getting involved in any activity/ event will serve him no purpose, in fact, it may even deteriorates his academic performances and wastes his time.

Question : Who is right or wrong ?

****
That is exactly the situation that is happening in my residential college now. You see , to the uninitiated , in my residential college/ hostel , there's this tradition that all of us , 1st year undergraduates must work together and be united. In order to accomplish that , there are tons of activities or events that relies solely on us, the 1st years only to organize and complete it.One such activity , a rather big-scale one is our very own Malam Kebudayaan Cina ( MKC ) . In this event , there will be alot of performances such as Chinese Diabolo (车龄) , 24 seasons drum(24 ),drama , Chinese Talk ( Xiang Shen ) , Chinese Orchestra () which aims to promote our chinese culture and of course, subsequently uniting us 1st years also.Supposedly the ideal condition is that , through the hard work and difficulty in organizing this big event , it is in their ( senior's) fervent hope that we , the 1st years will be willing to sacrifice their time and energy, and worked together in perfect harmony to accomplish this enormous task , and in the end, emerged from this storm together, hands with hands by our side.

Unfortunately , as with most big events , humans are creature of habits and personality. We are not robots or machines who just worked according to the default given instructions.When we are dealing with humans , it's like working with a machine with infinite variables. It is almost impossible to predict or anticipate what will happen as every human is unique and different in their own ways. Humans, in general, I believe can be divided into 3 categories when it comes to this case.

1) People who just stand there and watch you do all the works , preferring to shun responsibility and works ,unless it truly benefits them in one way or another.

2) People who won't hesitate to sacrifice themselves , waste their time and energy once they have been assigned the specific tasks and responsibility.

3) People who will commit and help more than the 1st type, but not as much as the 2nd type .

Let's break this down a bit shall we? The 1st type of people are usually labelled selfish , evil , cowards,irresponsible or assigned other negative connotations. The 2nd type are the people who are selfless people, the ones who places others' priority ahead of their own. They are the responsible and trustworthy ones , usually basking in the glory of positive labels.

But hey.. stop and think for awhile. Isn't that just one side of the story ? True, you can think of this way and in the olden days , definitely most , if not all people think like that . However, as the world grows larger and more connected each days , and the society evolving into more complicated type , human perception changes too... What was once perceived as negative and evil are now acceptable , or rather more tolerated , whereas positive values are slowly losing its value .

Let's have a take on the other side . If we were to look of it through another lens, the 1st type of people may be labelled as sensible, pragmatic, or even realistic. Realistically , what are the benefits of sacrificing yourself if you gain nothing in return ? And besides , is it even worth the sacrifice? Referring to the situation at the beginning of the post . Would you sacrifice your academic performance which may , in worst case scenario , requires you to repeat the entire semester or even dropped out from university in return of completing an event which you will get nothing in return . ( No fame , no fortune , nothing.. people won't even recognize you after the event . You will just be forgotten , memories of your hard works and commitment fading away with time ). Going back to the 2nd type of people. True, in one hand people praise you for selflessness , but in other hand , that act of yours is not selfless , it's foolish and not pragmatic , insane even. And what's more , in today's biased society , not only your hard works and relentless perseverance and commitment might not earn your recognition , it may even bring disasters and harm. With just some twist of words , other people may claim your works , and you may be left with nothing but blames or claim that you did nothing. Worth it ?Afterall , people tends to remember only the bad news while the good news are forgotten easily.The arguments above might be an exaggeration , but nevertheless ,they are still valid arguments.

As you can see, I have laid out the general arguments for both sides. So, where does this leave us? And what conclusion can be drawn form the above manifestation ? If you noticed , I have yet to mention the 3rd type. Yes, the hint is right there. The 3rd type, the neutral ones . These are type of people who thinks of the 3rd perspective . Now, what is the the 3rd perspective really ? If you have read Stephen R. Covey's book entitled " The 3rd Alternative", you are most likely to have some rough idea of how it works. Typically , most people tends to have only two perspectives that is your perspective and mine. In other words , it is either you are right or I am right , either you're on my side since you are thinking with the same mindset as mine, or you're my enemy, on the opposite side since your thinking differs from mine.

The 3rd perspective is to take a neutral stance , to place yourself in both side's shoes and think about both the sides , without disregarding any of them as right or wrong. Truth to be told, right or wrong , evil or good , these values are very subjective , and are perceived differently by every people.

But we , human are creatures of habit, emotions and feelings. We are emotionally-inclined creatures , with our hearts being sensitive and susceptible to various vulnerable feelings. Regardless of how we tried to contain our emotions and feelings , in the end , we still cannot deny that we are mere humans and being fragile ,vulnerable humans we are , our judgements and perceptions are easily influenced by these emotions. When emotions come to play , rational and logical thinking became impaired , and we are unable to judge accurately and justice or fairness may be compromised. But then again , what is justice anyway ? What is true or fake ? Right or wrong ? Again , up to people's perception ;).

Referring to the earlier question posted at the beginning of this post , what do you think may be the answer? I believe, in a nutshell, there is never right or wrong . It is best to just adopt a neutral stance instead of outright defending your views first . Place yourself in the other people's shoe. Try to think from the other perspective , however conflicting it is with your own views. If everybody can just think this way, then perhaps the world will be much better place. ;)

* End Note : this way of thinking is quite similar to the spirit of ubuntu which promotes the thinking that a human cannot survive without another , dictating that the community is placed above the needs of the individual . Do check the link out for more information ;D *

Liberation

After what seems like an never ending eternity , the proverbial sunshine after storm finally arrived. It was such a surreal experience. The end of da yao concert yesterday marks the end of my 2nd major event that I joined in university in my first year.The first major event being the choir competition. 2 down , 1 more to go = ). I am so glad that they have ended .

Though I have no regrets that I joined these events , things could have been better if I had known earlier what I am going into when I first made those decisions. As I have mentioned before, there are many things that you won't know unless you entered and get your hands dirty yourself. One cannot predict the future . And recently I stumbled across an awesome quote which goes like this "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat". -Theodore Roosevelt-

Cool ! Aha, at least I tried greatly , and in this case , even triumphed successfully !!! I have learned a lot from this episode. One important lesson that I have gained is regarding people.In general , there are two types of people in this world , those who are on your side, and those who are not . However , if we were to let ourselves be confined within these two school of thoughts only, we are doomed to fail .

People's mindset ,learning style , and way of thinking varies and differs from one person to another. This may be due to the different environment,culture, or even their predisposed genetic make up. If you and me disagree on something , it doesn't necessarily mean that you are right and i am wrong or vice versa ,it just means that we think differently , and no one should be blame for that.It is not a matter of choice that we were wired this way.However, if you were
to insist that you are right and i am wrong just merely because my perspective is different from yours, and impose your thinking on me, you are just portraying yourself as a mere fool,hypocritical,selfish person incapable of understanding this simple logic.

Therefore, in order to success and to get out from that two school of thoughts trap , we need to rid ourselves of the conventional wisdom , think out of box, beyond the norm , think of the 3rd perspective , the one perspective where we think of each other's perspective, accept our differences and compromise to come out with a consensus which will satisfy both sides .

Ah.. I digressed.. anyway , it was a very interesting experience after all. It was a very pleasant experience , being able to engage with some of the amazingly talented people who composed and performed their own songs .Seeing how talented some of those people in my university just made me yearn to learn more and more. I vow not to stop learning and continue to improve myself ,until I can stand on the same level as them and hopefully surpass them someday.

Moreover, it is the first time I felt such sense of gratitude towards my parents and family. Seriously , before my departure to university , I was completely ignorant of the fact and even occasionally hates them for restricting me and forcing me to make choices that satisfies them rather than myself.

However, as they say , going somewhere far makes your heart yearns. How true, after leaving do I realized that my parents are the best parents in the world ,especially my beloved mother. The realization hit me right on the face. It's amazing how one's mindset can changes so fast after leaving to other place. And oh yeah , my hometown's the best state too~ ;) . I may be biased in saying this , but truly Penang is a fantastic place to live in . It's not too crowded,very peaceful,has VERY GOOD FOOD and still developed enough for you to find a good job to make a living.

On the other hand, I am starting to familiarize myself with the K.L environment . The fragile , but livable hostel , the 2 noisy and wacky roommates , the tasteless ,limited choices of food , and the hectic lifestyle of sleeping late everynight and waking up in the wee hours of around 7 am. Oh well, they say familiarity breeds contempt . I guessed I have already went past that contempt phase, for now, I am just happy I have a roof on top of my head when I am sleeping ;)

Undeniably , after this episode, the best place to be in is definitely my home sweet home, my beloved hometown, Penang , together with my family. Now, with just one more big event to go , life is less hectic now , though my personal troubles and mid term exam still haunts me, one big dilemma still resides in my mind : Should I join these activities again next semester? or should I just quit everything and focus on my self-development and studies. A balanced, non-partisan analysis reviews that there are merits and disadvantages in both choices , though when emotions are involved , me being the lazy person in nature would probably choose the latter.

Oh well, the time to make those choices is still far away. For now , I guess I will just focus on the things right in front of me, and cherish them ;). I thank the higher authorities in the universe , for making my prayers come true and blessing me with an amazing family. Now , I hope things can only get better from now on, as the darkest hours , the worst, lowest moments of my life so far , the excruciatingly painful physical and mental torment that I have endured this past 2 weeks have ended. ;) Here's for a better tomorrow and more optimistic and cheerful posts in the near future ~ Toodles !

Reflection of the midnight circus.

*BAMP* BAMP * BAMP* Noises everywhere. Buzzes .,Slowly but surely , the clattering noises echoed around the empty room , filling it entirely and plunging the entire atmosphere into a cacophony of mess and disasters. There is nothing but a chaotic mix of mess and turbulence. Then, the entire thing stopped. An awkward,dead silence ensued . And such.. is the metaphor for my heart now.

***
It's march. And i am getting used to this kind of writing style now. A short story-like description of my feelings and then the direct musings to follow up. Mm.. yeah.. I like this style. Without further ado, let's move to our main topic of musing tonight , as the title suggests , it's a self-reflection for the latest happening in my life so far. Woah.. I am feeling rather melancholy tonight, so this post is gonna be crazy long I guess .

It's march , the month of hustle and bustle ,the much dreaded and yet anticipated month of the year so far. Ah.. the irony . Such contradiction warrants a logical reasoning. Indeed, the question is why ? Why the dread ? Answer : because of the various activities that requires commitment will be having their main event on this particular month ,coupled with a few mid sem exams , hence the stress level is once again elevated to its maximum potential. Paradoxically , it's the same reason I anticipate march to end, because the end of march also marks the end of my hectic , busy , activity-centric life .Hooray!! Oxymoron much.

Hmm.. so what do this month mean to me? It means a lot. I have noticed that in this month , the focus of my uni life is more towards activities more than studies. In other words, I commit more to activities ( due to I taking in too much, more than I can handle , my fault anyway ) rather than to my academic performance. But that's fine , as I totally believe in the principle of getting on the job hands down rather than relying on second-handed information. I mean, if you never did get involved in that activity , how can you rate / comment on it based on just what other people said ?Besides, what rumours and gossip dictates can be falsely misleading ,and you will never know what to expect unless you joined it. So, bearing this principle behind my back, I resolved to join as much activities as I can in sem 1, which results in serious repercussion haunting me back now in this sem 2.

But it's alright. It's fine . I will just think of this semester as my experimentation sem . Now that I have done it all , seen it all , it's time to be selective and decisive the next time. I would have that wealth of information backing me up the next time I make a decision. I would be able to make an informed decision then. So , yeah.. this semester, this month in fact, have been such an eye-opener. I have seen and heard so much that it exceeds my expectation. It has been a harsh revelation to me for I have seen the good,bad and ugly nature of human.

The good,the bad and the ugly . These elements are fundamental in every human being, in fact , it's safe to say that almost everyone have them , it's just a matter or who have which element more . Call me cynical if you will, but I believe, deep inside, everyone did something for their own happiness/ benefits. Even the most good natured ,selfless people you have ever met, will do something for their own good one point or another. This is the basic survival instinct of human.And my hypothesis have been proven right. This month,I saw how some people, will for their own benefits , backstab others , badmouth the rest and do other seemingly trivial stuff that demeans and demonizes others . No matter how trivial it may seem, the motive is still there, to make ourselves happy , no matter the cost. Not that I am surprised with such clear results.

It's just that.. I expect something more in this university life. It's the big phase in our life afterall , University, the last schooling phase before we move on to the so called real world, working life. But no.. nothing much have changed after all. Pigs wearing human mask continue to rear their ugly heads , fools that don't think before they say anything , idiots that continue to baffle me with their idiotic mindset of pointing fingers and judging before putting themselves in others' shoes,people who keep on pretending and faking to gain sympathy, trust and benefits ,and worst of all , insensitive people who are incapable of sensing emotions and feelings. Tsk. it's frustrating really . Why are there people like that? But of course.. nobody is perfect, even I myself is susceptible to such fallacies. Yet, I can't help to think.... WHY? Why in the world do people fall prey to the above mentioned fallacies? IF , if and only if people can do more for the sake of others rather than for the sake of themselves just once, then definitely this world will be a much better place.

In the recent article that I read for the sake of my critical english course , there's a quote which I find very intriguing. " Love is the prime mover of relationships between human " . In this world, there's so many people who preach and teach about how love can save the world, yet how many of them are actually practising them ? I gave up being a good ,selfless person a long time ago when I saw how corrupted has this world become. In this cruel,realistic world, it's each one for yourself. There are indeed true, selfless people who sacrifices themselves for the sake of others ,but they are rare and few .Besides, will self sacrifice put food to your table? Will it make you and your precious ones happy ? It will, if everyone acts the same way, but unfortunately this world is filled with more pigs donning human mask rather than actual benevolent human being .

Hence, I came to this conclusion that in befriending people , one needs to be selective. Social network is important , but to get too close to another people will just expose you to his/her myriads of problems and ugly sides. Getting too personal may in turn hurts yourself. And it's best to avoid or just maintain minimal contact with other well-known cynical ,striving for personal gain bastards. Ah.. in this harsh world of reality , looking for a good friend/ love is like finding a needle in an ocean.

Recently , I re-watched a Hindi movie called "3 Idiots " again. ( Watch it if you haven't , it's a MUST WATCH ). The points made and its take on life is so spot-on that anyone who have intellect and a humour sense would definitely enjoy the movie and the message behind it. The movie talks about how one should have passion in whatever he/she is doing, as "striving for success is futile , we should strive for excellence, and if we do, success will come chasing us, pants down " ( quote from the movie ) and to strive for excellence, we must have passion in whatever that we do.

Then , a random thought hit me. What will I be feeling on my convocation day? In a mere blink of an eye, semester 2 has began and it's slowly coming to an end. What felt like an eternity suddenly became so close. The bitter reality that has sunk in is that in mere 2 and a half years, I will be leaving my university life and making the transition into working soon. How do I see myself in the future 2 and a half years? I will definitely be asking myself.. what have I done in this university life. Did I enjoy it ? Did I hate it? Are there any regrets? Resentments even? All these questions suddenly popped in my head. Am I doing the right thing now? The important question being " How should I live my next 2 and a half year in order to have no regrets in my convocation day? "

So many questions, yet so little answer. But that is life. Life is full of unanswered questions. And then there are questions with no real right or wrong answer. This reminds me of one of the late Steve Job's quote. "“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.” , his response to few of life’s challenges that hit him over the course of several years, , and looking back, he realized that that ended up being hugely significant towards later realizations in life. I think it’s really a great way of putting life’s challenges into perspective, or really, anything you do in life…looking back and seeing how they connect with where you are now.

So, right now , I still can't quite connect the dots yet.. but I trust that if I live my life in accordance to this question " How should I live my next 2 and a half year in order to have no regrets in my convocation day? " , I believe happiness can't be far from this huh? Oh well.. let it be and we will see... Till the next rant. Tata

Quote

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chatted all the way,
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she,
But oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

Robert Browning Hamilton,
extract from Mitch Albom's " Have a little faith " .

Unexpected

Surprise , Surprise, Life is full of unexpected surprises . Life is in a constant ever-changing environment . It is like a roller-coaster journey , full of tumultuous turns everywhere you go, never gonna know how the end will look like until the very end of the journey.

A lot of people equate life to alot of things. Life is a box of chocolate , Life is a pandora box , life.. and then they say too when life gives you lemon, you make lemonade . But I say , nothing rings more true than this quote " Life is a constant change . "

Now,I say this all the time , but I felt that this timeless phrase needs to be repeated as it holds true every single time.Life can take unexpected twists anytime. One moment you could be buried in the abyss deep down ,where you are filled with nothing but depression, gloom and grief , another moment , life will pull you and fling you up in cloud nine , filled with joy,happiness and love !

Take for example today , after a stress-filled , gloom-ridden , depressing month , I have finally became numb of it and started to become accustomed to it. I take it that destiny intends me to take this path , as down this path , a lot of questions popped up, and a lot of lessons have been learned too. Questions such as "Why me? " , "Am I doing the right thing?", " What will happen if I took another road? ".Then it sets me thinking , perhaps , all this stuff has already been inside the destiny which I have been imprinted and marked with ? What if , this is indeed what I should be doing , taking in all these sufferings and torments at first, exposing me to the worst of human nature and life's lesson , before attaining great successes and consequently a bright future?

Frankly though , my brush with destiny is rather odd one. I am not really a true believer of destiny since young . My mindset have always been affected by the wind of change , and I have paradigm shifts all the time. Perhaps , it's in my nature to be indecisive and easily swayed by external influence, but it's not a bad thing after all.

I digressed. As I mentioned ,after a stressful month , I am now finally learning adept to it. And just when I did , as if by a slight brush of fate , things started changing , for better. These few days , a few events have finally concluded , and there's only a few more stressful tasks to be met before I officially be declared free of all responsibility and pressure. And that is undeniably a GOOD thing for sure ;).

Today especially , I met a senior who I believe have the same kind of mindset that me , and we did a few small talks before engaging into a very meaningful discussion. He says he's a deep believer of fate and destiny , of how things have already been set into motion the moment you are born and basically we are all just following the pre-determined path that have been laid before us. Two people sharing the passion of music and dance , but with a slight different mentality at first, he believing in destiny , but I believing in people's potential to influence destiny and carve their own . When you put these kind of people together , a very meaningful and interesting result could be obtained from these meeting.

Through our conversation , I can sort of see a lil of my future self in him , seeing that he's several years older than me. By the end of the discussion , I reached a conclusive conclusion , that is the fact that , destiny may influence our life one time or another , but I strongly believe that , our every action , is capable of changing destiny itself. I guess a more accurate description would be that I believe in the parallel universe concept, that if you take one path instead of another, it will lead you to another world. Which means , this is just one of the parallel universe that we are living in, while in other instances where you take different actions , you end up living an entirely different life. For instance , you could have been an office worker living a regretful , 9-5 job ,struggling to make ends meet , but in an alternate universe , you could be living your dream life of being a rocker , making a living out of your true passion. Interesting, neh ?

So, after the chance meeting and talk with him , I have decided and in fact , confirm that the way I am living my life now is correct ,and that is the lifelong journey of continuous learning and improvement. A life that focuses solely on my own self-development in various aspects ,while not forgoing my passion and interest , and still maintaining a positive cash-flow and having a great social life to boot. Seems difficult huh? Certainly , but impossible? Certainly NOT!

In a nutshell, this will probably be the lifestyle that I will be applying in the next few years and let's just see how it goes. Right now , I am still high in the midst of ecstasy , in cloud nine , at the positive end of my mood fluctuation , but things might change again very soon, hopefully ,it will change for better ! As they say, you can never get enough the feeling of happiness and love. So ,let's fill this world with love , joy and happiness ! and hopefully I received a plenty of them back in the near future !!!

Alright , yours truly ( still high in ecstasy ) , signing off, bye ! Until the next documentation of my life journey ~ Tata!

This V-Day.

It took only a fraction of a second , yet that was more than enough to identify you , amongst all the beautiful and splendid women in the world , to be the one, the perfect one for me.Our eyes met each other for the first time that night. Heart skipping a beat , adrenalin started pumping a little faster. synapses begin snapping a little quicker . Cold sweats started pouring out of every pores of my skin as I began to wonder, what would be the best pick-up line that would make the best impression of me in your very eyes . But I was at Father Time's mercy , as the clocks start ticking away, I began running out of ideas and eventually have to settle with a " Hi , my name is ..." , ending with a slightly forced,nervous smile.

Your face broke into a mischievous grin,then into a magnificent smile , obviously smiling at how silly I must have been =).

***
If I could, I would look you in the eyes, your arms in mine , embracing you ever so tenderly , with no troubles whatsoever in my mind , only us,staring at the beautiful ,picturesque night scenery.With the boundless sky on top of us and evanescent stars in the background shining and dimming in perfect synchrony,only heaven bear witness to our everlasting love memory in this time and space that belongs to only us.

Then,slowly but surely , the momentum of the moment will spur us to move,our lips will be locked together ,entwined and seal the moment,the moment where time would froze for that instant and that particular memory will be forged in my mind as one of my true love snapshot.

***

Ah,.. it's that day of the year again , the much loved and hated day of the year, the day where I have most complications with , bearing mixed feelings towards it . The day, dreaded by singletons in this world , welcomed by lovebirds and couples all around , it's the Valentine's Day !

I have always had mixed feelings towards Valentine's day , the happy feeling for the hope and expectation it always brings ,almost like a second chance of love , the sad feeling for the doom and gloom of having to celebrate it alone.This year is no different.Despite a few setbacks and some doom and gloom that kickstarted my sem 2 , I am determined to make it work ! It's Valentine!!! It's time of forgiveness, joy , happiness and most importantly , LOVE !!!
Love should be in the air , not emoness ;)

As mentioned afore , my feelings are akin to a non-stop rollercoaster journey, one moment it may be extreme depression , another escalating to extreme high. Indeed, the changes is extreme. I overused the word extreme, didn't I? Haha and hence, here I am , on the other end of fluctuation , the positive , overzealous side of me having boundless zest towards positive life!

So,yeah in this special season of love of the year , I wish nothing more than to find joy , happiness and love. That's all , concise and simple wish. Nothing complicated or over the moon. ;) After all these setbacks , I have finally learnt that in the end, nothing matters more than the simplest wish or desires our heart yearns for , after all, the people of the past , our grandparents and great ancestors are able to make do without those luxurious ,materialistic possessions and live just as happily as ever , with just love . So, why can't we?

I have learnt that I complained and ranted too much about things that I lack , yet failing to count the blessings of things that I already have . Such ignorance. Often, man tries too hard to strive for perfection , only to find that the things that they needed the most, have already been in their possession all along . So yeah, stop ranting , and start appreciating!

May this season of love changes us ,and the people around us to be more caring ,tolerant , and loving to each other. May love be in the air . May people worry less and start being happy more ! Let us just love each other !!! Last but not least , may that special someone of mine always be happy =) and find me soon *lol hurry, while I am still on the verge of sanity and not desperate* XD

Oh well , love takes time to groom I guess. Anyhow , it has been a rather random and incoherent post . But that's how I intended it to be . Just pure , unedited ,unadulterated posting , fresh from my mind factory. It's crazy what happened today. I had many crazy ideas and dreams today , i. e the sudden impulse to be a column editor in the star , a k-pop superstar, a kick-ass , elite guitarist capable of playing everything ,Arnold Schwarzenegger,valedictorian and etc. But I guess it's all part and parcel of life's endless lessons. Come tomorrow, a new day begins , and with a new beginning, brings new hope and aspirations. And I shall have faith and trust in this new beginning. May everything truly be alright this time.

In this V-day , I wish everybody to be able to celebrate their Valentine's Day with happiness, even if you are a singleton or in a relationship , always appreciate the things that you already have now. Happy Valentine's Day . Smile ! =)

Reality

I used to feel that I was invincible, invulnerable even . I used to think that one day, I will be able to conquer the world, making it dance on the palm of my hand . I used to think that stress and negative feelings won’t get to me , that I am practically immune to such things that only applies to the weaklings.

Indeed, ignorance is a bliss , and when the truth hits, it hurts, hurts real bad.

***

Maybe this is a stereotype, an over generalization , but whatever it is , it remains a truth with majority of the people. There’s an unspoken rule that those who appears cheerful and most happy on the surface , are the people who actually suffers the most deep down inside when they are alone. After much encounter with such people, I realize that this is a fact. And these kind of people who are usually happy-go-lucky on the outside, are the ones that are most emotionally sensitive. And yours truly happens to be in this particular category of people.

Now, the thing is, these type of people are practically the most difficult type of people to deal with. They put on a poker face and a fake smile, expecting you to decipher their innermost desires by just looking at them. They like to seek attention and be the centre of it . However, that is only a momentarily high that they seek, their true satisfaction comes from being with those who can look past their poker face and fake smile, deep into their heart and understand them fully .Unfortunately, the society nowadays Is too shallow and too judgmental that they only look at the surface to judge someone.

***

Now,my last post was about how I reached K.L and wondering what awaits me in the following days.Well, it’s been a full week after that last post,and I have gotten the answer. What actually happened in that last week? Hell , I would say. It turns out that I have juggling with too much things than I can handle. On 3^rd of February , I went to Malacca for my first camp , a musical camp called Da Yao, a camp to prepare us for a performance on the near end of March ( I am in the dance group of the performance ). Obviously , the torture part is inherent as I felt like I was being ripped off and forced to go at first ( it was RM 120 for 4D 3N camp and there are a whole lot of complications about the camp in which we,the participants aren’t been divulged the details at first ). But ,I went ahead anyway because I already paid.

The hell part is evident as we have to wake up at around 5 am every morning to practice dancing , sleep again at around 7 am , and proceed with the activities scheduled for the camp until late midnight before the cycle repeats itself again and again . At this point, I might hear some of you thinking or saying “ hey,you call that hell? That’s not so bad, I once had a camp where I didn’t sleep at all for a week.. bla bla “ or something similar to that. You know what ? Yeah, I totally agree with you. That ain’t so bad afterall for normal people that is.. I am abnormal in a way. Aside from my eye complications, I have my acne-prone skin to take care of. So,factoring in these two stuff, and the stress and pressure that caused all those small little craters to break out simultaneously and jeopardizing my face, turning it into a perfect canvas for disaster and making me look like a monster, what do you think now? Hell yet?

The thing is, I really hate people who talks as if they know it all. Those people who always just considered that situation as the most stressful and worst of all without considering the fact that there are others worst than them . Sometimes, I might fall prey to this self-centered attitude too, but more than often I always try to put myself In their shoes first. But I just can’t stand people who starts shooting you as if they have been there and experienced your situation first hand while in actual fact , they are totally clueless about your pain and misery.The worst kind of people, are those that never tries to understand people and only speak from their own perspective. Though, I know that most of us, if not all, are liable to these accusation one point or another , but please , I plead and beg of you, I implore you all to just stop and try to think for a second about their situation from their point of view before you start judging them. If everyone could just be a little bit more compassionate and do this , I am sure this world will be much better.

I digressed. Now, back to my camp story. It’s not all doom and gloom though , aside from the abnormalities on my face, I kinda enjoyed the atmosphere there. The people there are exceptionally talented and ridiculously crazy and funny too. And to be able to be together with them , sharing the same passion of music and dance, to learn new things together ,and to be able to be a part of their big family , certainly does put a smile to my face ;). ( though the experience would definitely be infinitely better without my breakouts . I would definitely enjoyed it more ).

So, anyway , when the camp ends and I have to go back to my uni for my second “camp” ( I considered it a camp as afterall, we will be just training and practicing the entire week ) , I leaved with mixed feelings , a feeling of relief as I don’t have to be sleep deprived and wake up at ungodly hour to practice anymore , and a tinge of sadness, I would not be able to see those great people and learn more with them for a while.

Anyway,first camp ended, and the second one has started. This one is better as I don’t have to wake up so early anymore but still not that much different as I have to adhere to a strict schedule too ( due to the fact that I took up too many things ) . Just to give you a glimpse of how I am surviving in that one week ordeal , this is my schedule everyday. 1.30 pm to 4.00 pm choir practice morning session , 7.00 pm to 11.00 pm choir practice night session . > 11.00 pm drama session till midnight , and the nightmare continues again the very next day.

At this point of time, most people who came back early to join this camp are already filled with pangs of guilt and regret , regret because they came back on 5^th of February while the rest of their uni friends are still having their holiday until 19^th of February. Well, I came back on 2^nd .. and the fact that I have another camp on 10^th of February ( AIESEC camp ) to worry about just made it worse . The stress and pressures were unbearable . Maybe , to some of you, this level of stress is normal , not even a stress perhaps, but hey , everyone is different , and my limit just happens to be a slightly lower . Then, it finally got to me. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I hit rock bottom and depression sets in. I just couldn’t stand the thoughts of being in this place , and going to another stress-filled camp anymore. I already too much more than what I am capable of handling.

So, on 10^th of February , I listened to my heart instead. I chose to forgo all reasons and logics and instead embraced my instinct . My conscience was clear. I chose to be happy. ;)

***

Whatever happens next , will be beyond my control , but I do know that , I will not have any regrets making this decision. As the wind of change sweeps in and the cool,light breeze gently swept pass my face, I knew I was right.This familiar feeling of comfort …… I have arrived ;).

Sometimes...

*dup dup * Heart palpitates with furious beats, with each beat producing a more distinctly louder thumping sound than the previous beat , eventually it reaches even the echoes of my ears then *thump* a loud thump , and a sudden stop.

*Dead silence*
Then, a ray of light shines glamorously towards me ,signalling the end of my bus trip. I have arrived , finally, at K.L , again.

***

My mind just refuses to think anymore . Too much worries and stress clouded my rational thinking that my brain decides to just give up on thinking about it. I have been to K.L for more than 10 times already now, yet the 5 hours bus journey from my hometown , Penang to K.L has never failed to amaze me . Each bus journey is always different from the previous one due to the different kind of bus and the roads they travel , but one thing remains more or less the same ,the travel time.

This time is no difference. I boarded the bus at 3.30 pm and reached Pudu Sentral at approximately 9 pm. That is a freaking 5 hours and 30 minutes travel time in a bus.But I am not complaining. There's a cliche that says that you will only realize how important some stuff is after you lost it. I learnt this the hard way. I have lost the precious time that I could spend in my hometown , sacrificing it for some other activities. While other people are going back to their respective uni on 19th of February, here I am , ranting about my predicament right in my university on 2nd of February. Not exactly something I really wanted.

But then again, as the camp and activities have yet to be executed, I shouldn't be judgmental and assume that I will be happier at home rather than here for the next 2 weeks. Who knows, the next 2 week here would be the best time I will ever have in my life? Haha , hopes ~ ahh

I digressed, anyhow, as I have mentioned before, every bus journey is different, and 5 hours 30 minutes is a pretty long time . And being a big thinker that thinks a lot, I used a a bulk of that time to reflect on my current self .

I am sure there are a lot of people that think of me as that friendly,happy-go-lucky, childish guy that always goes around making people laugh , the silly joker, clown that won't grow up forever.Heck,even I think myself to be like that sometimes. But then again, deep inside my heart, it's not really who I wanna be. I have never intended to be childish and be the silly joker that makes people laugh while suffering all the gloom and despair myself. I never did. But it just so happened to be that my outer shell , the way I presented myself is like that. All I ever wanted was to make people happy, and I succeed, most of the time anyway. But in the end , I myself am the one who suffers the most.

I truly refuse to be thought as the childish clown anymore. I refuse to accept such label and I intended to change all that. What I truly wanna be is the matured , helpful guy that is worth being considered as potential partner, not some silly clown that is helpful , but forever be in the friend zone. And I notice i complain too much too sometimes , often for a good reason and logical purpose, but it just seems that people fail to understand why I did that sometimes? Is it wrong to stand up for what you believe in? Is it wrong to be romantic and sensitive? Is it wrong to act the way I am yet still believing in hope? As my reflection goes on , so does my bus continue moving...

As I approaches my destination , slowly but surely , a familiar feeling began to surface from the corner of my heart , accelerating my heart beats rate . Ah... the unwelcomed feeling of loneliness and darkness have arrived . I hate to say this , but even I can get scared and lonely sometimes. No, a better way to phrase this is that everyone gets lonely,depressed and gloomy sometimes. This is especially true to those who always smiles a lot and cheerful in front of people. In fact, these kind of people are the most prone to loneliness and depression. Damn it, if only more people would realize that .

****

Now,let's go back a little in time shall we? Today is rather tumultuous day for me . I woke up at 7 am with a deep feeling of anxiety and uncertainty. Anxiety, because my face is still full of acne scars and the fact that I will have to meet a few of my old friends and even juniors in a few minutes time scares me.Uncertainty, because I know that today will be the day I go back to K.L and faces all the people still with my badly damaged face.I am very tempted to just skip all of the activities and isolates myself from the rest, forming my own social seclusion and abstain from meeting anyone until my face cures , but unfortunately , my moral obligation forbids me from doing so.

So, off I go , meeting my old friends and juniors with a poker face and a fake smile on my face, pretending not to give a single damn about my appearance when I am itching to just dig a hole and bury myself deep inside.And I even resisted my rational idea of staying home and board the 3.30 pm bus to K.L anyway.Now, back to the bus journey.

***

I pride myself as being the master of my emotions ,able to manipulate and control my emotions as I wish , yet sometimes I fall prey to them. When you are riding a bus alone for 5 hours 30 minutes, arriving at an unfamiliar dark place far different from your hometown , and knowing that there's still some distance from the place bus drop you and your hostel, and the fact that you have to walk back alone carrying 3 bags in an unsecured place ALONE ,can be rather fearsome = ).So yeah, I succumbed to that negative thoughts for awhile.

But my emotions fluctuates like a rollercoaster ride, it can go extremely high one moment and goes right to severe depression the next moment. And luckily , this has worked in my favour this time. When I was boarding the LRT , it occured to me that no matter what I think of, life still goes on.

True, there might be no one who is able to understand me the way I am now , and I might get lonely and depressed from time to time , yearning for a woman who understands me and who will nurture me with love, but hey, THIS IS HOW LIFE WORKS. Life is naturally unfair ,and obstacles and challenges are bound to be in your way. Obviously , you have two choices , keep on complaining and wallowing in your self-pity OR SUCK IT ALL UP and MOVE ON !!! ;)

I have read somewhere that negative thoughts and stress are bad for my skin ... ah.. that explains it. So, now I am doing everything in my power to stop those negative thoughts as well as a whole lot of other stuff ( diet ,lifestyle ,etc ). To my body and mind, I am seriously doing my best now, so please cooperate with me and get rid of those acnes and scars , please? =) I trust that you can.

And to my emotional self, don't worry , just be happy.Stress and negative thoughts won't do you any good. Give yourself a pat on the back and nurture your soul with positive energies. You will find the one soon ! Your face will heal itself soon ! Everything is gonna be okay soon!! :)
There's a quote that sounds like this , "In the midst of every difficulty, lies opportunity " ,hence, survive this ordeal, and you will definitely be stronger and better than the rest.

Last but not least, recently I have found an old cliche in which I am determined to embed as my own personal motto. This is it !

" Everything will be okay in the end . If it's not okay , then it's not the end yet ;) ".

Let tomorrow and the days after that be filled with joy, happiness and lots of lots of love ~ =D

Romance

"Adolescence is like a heavy rain. Even though you catch a cold from it, you still look forward to experiencing it once again"And that .. is the basic premise of the wonderful romantic movie, You Are The Apple of My Eye.

Recently, I just finished watching two Taiwan romantic movies , namely Love You You ( 夏日乐悠悠 ) starring Eddie Peng and AngelaBaby and another widely popular ,acclaimed movie called You Are The Apple of My Eye ( 那些年，我們一起追的女孩 ) .These two movies appealed to me alot, especially the latter one, which gave me a lasting impression.


While the first movie is just mediocre , the story was rather touching and the second movie.. is just mind blowing .I have to say, to a pure romanticist , these two movies are an absolute bliss, and very addicting ( especially the second one) Though, the thing is after watching the movies, whenever I asked some of my friends about the movies , most of them respond with a rather not so hyped response , female friends especially , mostly replied that these two movies are either normal or just mediocre at best, with a few even saying it's not interesting.



Then, it set me thinking , I could understand if people say Love You You is not interesting , but 那些年? NOT INTERESTING? How could it be ? The movie, which I consider the pinnacle and epitome of all romance movies I have watched so far, the movie which caused torrents of tears to come gushing down from my eye , the heart-wrenching , tear-jerking ,soul-grasping movie that have become a world wide phenomenon. I just couldn't believe it . Perhaps those who have read the novel would say that the novel is much better,hence somehow heightens the expectation people have about the movie . But then again, there are still alot of people that haven't read the novel , went in and watched the movie and still think it sucks. Moreover,not to be sexist,but I can't help noticing that most of the people are female viewers o.O.

What does this mean? Is love dead? Are females nowadays less romantic than females of the yesteryear ?Could it be true that females nowadays have less passion and romance and chose to focus more on the pragmatic side of the world ,i.e wealth and fame? I wonder... Hopefully ,this is not the case. I guess a youtuber's comment regarding the first movie put it best when he said " And THAT sole reason alone is what makes this movie GOOD! The idea, that the usual kiss takes a movie romantic is pure bullshit. As a guy, hopeless romantic, and romanticist. I found every aspect of this movie entertaining. You don't need a kiss to show, that love is there. As a critic of love stories this one deserves a 4/5. The movie twists the norm of how people view love stories".

On another note, Valentine Day is just around the corner , are you guys ready to date the girl of your dream? ;) Will you be spending it with your partner, or will you be spending it alone? For me, I think it would be just me alone, or perhaps with some of my friends ;).I would be lying though if I don't feel the least bit of sadness spending it with friends/alone again this year. But after watching these movies, I have finally came to a realization that not everyone felt the same way towards love as I feel. I am a romanticist , a pure one too. Hence, I guess the girl of my life have to be of the same type of people I am to complement each other ;). I used to believe love can be nurtured, but I guess it was wrong, not in my case perhaps.Now, I wonder does romantic people still exist? I wonder.. will I still have a chance to be the romanticist i always wanted to be? I wonder and ponder ....

Now, all I can do is just keep on improving myself ,waiting for my own version of Shen Chia-yi to appear ;) . In the meantime, I will just keep on hope and pray that the two curses that I mentioned afore will be lifted off soon enough . I am trusting my mind and body for this one.Slowly,but surely, all of these dreadful stuff will be gone soon and only the good things will come if I continue to believe in myself.

To all the blessed couples out there, stay true to your partner and enjoy yourselves to the most this coming Valentine ;)
To all the singletons as myself xD , be happy you don't have to deal with relationship problems lol ,and rest assured, love will come to you soon if you just believe in it!!!

That's all for now , hopeless romanticist signing out~ ;)