It's the dreaded month again.. February, the month where the much dreaded Chinese New Year celebration springs to life and haunts me again ..,and to make matters worse, this year , it is accompanied with the V-day,or otherwise known as SAD ( single's awareness day ) for all the happy single bachelors out there like me :) .( alright ,that was absurd .i am nt happy being single :( )
Alright,maybe some of you might wondering .. why the word "dread"? shouldn't it be " much anticipated" instead? After all,Chinese New Year is supposed to be an auspicious event celebrated by people from all around the world, chinese mostly .It is supposed to be an event filled with joy,happiness,laughter.mirth and etc etc *insert adjectives that depicts fun and happy things here *.Yet,for me it is one of the most boring,mundane days where I have to brace myself just to go through it.
The reason "dread" being used is very simply because.. I hate my relatives .There, ok I said it. Ok,maybe hate wasn't the right word, more like I dislike, not to the point of total disagreement and unacceptable,still bearable.. but I still detest them..ok some of them perhaps.I find it boring to gather with cousins who can't understand me and engage in actions which seemingly disgust me sometimes. It is as if I wasn't in tune with them .
But it matters not, the only moment I actually do anticipate are the moments I get ang paos :D they rocks.Other than that, it is all dull moments..I shall not dwell further on this topic as this is rather sensitive topic for me (and if my relatives/cousins happen to see this, i am so screwed lol)
I digressed.Back to main topic of the day, uncertainties.This month have been a month filled with countless uncertainties.. uncertainties in relationships, uncertainties in lifestyle,uncertainties in a lot of things.,and unfortunately I occasionally find myself embarking on a journey of dreams,delusions and fantasies , only to snap out of it to realize that the cruel reality have none of my ideal fantasies. I seem to be on a terrible emotional roller-coaster this month too,with moods swinging and changing as swiftly as the blowing wind.
One second I felt a surge of happiness and went high, the next falling into depression.And this month too,I took a short detour from my journey of self-discovery to the road of self-critism for lack of confidence and low self-esteem.There are a lot of moments where I will ponder and wonder about the life I am leading and ask questions.
Is this the life that I wanted? Am I satisfied with it ? And unsurprisingly ,the answers are all no.Yet , I dont feel like doing something about it.. People say , man should not dwell much into the remnants of the past , as the past are mere burdens that will drag you down.Yet, I still indulge in it .. continue wondering what would happen if I took the road not taken ?
I seek refuge in the unforseen future , hoping that things would take a turn for better, partly depending on luck and higher authorities up above. That's why for now, at this very moment , the present seems to stand still , time and space seems to freeze this instant , just like how my mind and heart remain frozen and sealed a long time ago.
Yes, and now the biggest uncertainties revolving in my life is what to do next ? I don't believe in just studying .. that's absolutely bullshit . Studying and getting the 1st in academics does not mean everything, thought it will certainly provide a boost for applications to university and etc.Other that that, it just proves that you are a studying nerd or a freaking genius. I prefer the latter label.
I don't know what to do with my life now,and I hate school too.School just seems to be a big waste of time.Right now, I just wants to be happy I guess.. I just want to have that " I got everything I will ever need " feeling ... I need to be appreciative I know but still I need to be happier than I am now.
I need to taste the sweet taste of victory and true happiness.The joy of love and romance, the sweet victory smell . and the absolute bliss of having my wishes granted.I do feel a sense of envy at times at those people who seemingly have it all, great fortune, good luck , prominent friends, best partners .
But yet at the same time I fear that once I got them, I would be bored of it in no time and suffer the other side of the double-edged sword, the other side of happiness,- depression.This plethora of thoughs that constantly cross my minds , the endless ironic debate that keeps going inside.. and I swear one day it will drive my crazy ...
Yet for now, it is the fuel which keeps me alive.. or rather survive. I am just surviving now.. not really alive but just prolonging death, cheating it and continue living in another state.I need to feel alive somehow.. That's my only wish.
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OK,that's all my rants and complains for now. To those that persevered and braced yourself through all the rants above and make it here, congratulations :D . Don't worry , I am not trying to commit suicide or anything.It is just one of those times where a pang of poignancy hits me and I wish to write in this emo-itic way . Perhaps it is just me,but I felt like sometimes people need to release stress and other types of negative vibes in them through something.For me , I guess it is this blog,the channel which I release all my negative feelings to.
On another note,after this month, my first examination is coming . Not anything major, but still it scares me somehow. It is prudent that I scored for it for this will be the first leaping stone I need to brace myself for the final hurdle this end of the year. Yet I don't feel like studying for it at all.. Where? where can I find the motivation to do it ? SIgh,, I freaking need motivations.
Btw, to everyone I know and recognized , Happy Chinese New Year and V-day =D May all of you be blessed with much joy,prosperity and happiness ,together with their loved ones :D .
Hopefully I can get my happiness soon too ^^. Alright,until the next pang of emoness hits me, I am out ~ toodles.
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