Like the proverbial lonely wolf staring at the moon’s
reflection on the pond, longing for something that seems so near , yet so far ,
I sit here in this unearthly hour , staring at my monitor screen , with a
mundane , post-depression feeling , accompanied by a melodramatic music playing
in the background. Surreal.
Finally , it ends. The onslaught of activities that once
cornered and strangled me , almost killing me in the process, have finally
ceased to exist. They have finally ended. No more. I should be happy , shedding
the tears of joy , jumping around like mad man , grinning like a clown , and be
on cloud nine , yet none of that happens. It was just a simple feeling of
relief , and that’s all . Before this I was deeply anticipating the end of it ,
the beginning of something new , but now that it has ended, I still feel as
empty as I was feeling during the activities were held.
I wonder if I have feelings anymore. I feel so tired .
Sometimes, I really wonder, do I really have a place to belong to ? It was
weird , seeing how the rest relentlessly commit themselves, sacrificing their
sweat ,blood and tears to do something that , in logical and rational thinking
, will almost contribute nothing much to their future . Yet they seemed so happy
doing it , and seems to be fully enjoying themselves every second.
I dunno . Somehow, the things that can intrigue or amused
me seems to be gone little by little. Perhaps it is the process of growing up ,
but I am getting less amused by everyday happenings. It is as though there are
nothing much that can bring my moods up and amuse me. It is as though as I give
up looking forward for optimism and the promised happiness. It is as though
hope has abandoned me.
From the start, I knew that I have strong inter and
intrapersonal skills. It may sound abit egoistic and arrogant , but trust me ,
it is not. This statement is a mere jurisdiction of my analytical skills judging
from my interest of people. I also knew that I am easily bored and can be very
hard to be entertained from the start. However, I couldn’t imagine it could be
this bad.
I know that I am not alone. I know that there are
thousands , or maybe even millions more out there that have the same personality
or attitude as mine. We, the silent millions are the ones who smile and put on
a cheerful persona outside , the ones who are labeled optimists ,
happy-go-lucky people , the one who never gets tired or depressed. Yet, we
know, deep inside, when we are alone , mind tricks began to collude our minds ,
the inner pessimistic realists take over , and we are left perplexed with the
onslaught of confusing questions bombarding our minds.
So, tell me brothers and sisters , how do we solve the
age-old mystery of acquiring happiness ? A few days ago , I was walking with
one of my friend when we were asked to make a wish on the wishing tree nearby.
I wished for happiness, love and joy. Is it that hard to achieve? In retrospect
, I had acquired a prediction from a temple . The prediction, or more precisely
, premonition about me states that in my life and future undertakings, I will be
faced with a lot of obstacles before gaining tremendous success in the end.
However, the pain is slowly killing me. How much longer must I endure to taste
the sweet victory of success ?
Just a moment ago
, I was reading an article in newspaper that intrigues me. That article was
talking about recognition and acknowledgement after death , which truly make a
point. The writer cites the case of Amy Winehouse, a singer whose life was plagued
with drugs abuse and whole lots of problems . Only after her death , she was
recognized and acknowledged for her good deeds, the good side of her , the pain
she suffered battling drugs , the fragility and tragedy of her life story. This
is terrible. Why do we , humans only notice the hidden sides of someone , only
after his/her death ? Why do we fail to know a person’s idiosyncrasies , the
story of his life , the multiple facets of him when he was alive ? Why must we
wait for his death only to moan and regrets not spending a little more time
with him, eulogizing words of appreciation and his good deeds. Why? In the
writer’s word “ Dying is the key to getting noticed” .
In a way , I supposed it was true. Maybe death is a way
of saying that someone is human. Someone wants to be known , to be noticed .
Someone has a story to tell. Someone has desires and wishes , hopes and
failures. Someone wants a place in this world to belong to , to be loved and to
love. Someone’s life wasn’t just about the things he did or said,but also about
the things left undone or unsaid.
When I read the article , I felt a deep sense of
nostalgia and a strong connection . Perhaps I am that someone who craves
attention , but did not ever have the proper channel to display it, someone who
is trying to find a place to belong to , yet fails to fit in any community . I
am trying to change. I have had enough of being the “cheerful” guy . Sick and tired of being the joker or clown of the group . People ought to be more sensitive with their remarks.Just because I might fool around and crack some nonsensical jokes, it doesn't mean I can't be serious and emotional .So ,
please , grant me the strength to change , to overcome the fear of rejection ,
and to accept the courage of conviction.
As mentioned afore, the premonition states that I have
many more battles to overcome before I can finally achieve success. So , I
guess that means there will be more emotional , depressing even , gloomy blog
posts to come in the future . Oh well , only those who had braved the stormy
seas will find glory anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Wishing all the best
for myself , and as always , hoping for love, happiness and peace for you and
me ;). Until next rant ~. =D
