The Blue Moon

Like the proverbial lonely wolf staring at the moon’s reflection on the pond, longing for something that seems so near , yet so far , I sit here in this unearthly hour , staring at my monitor screen , with a mundane , post-depression feeling , accompanied by a melodramatic music playing in the background. Surreal.

Finally , it ends. The onslaught of activities that once cornered and strangled me , almost killing me in the process, have finally ceased to exist. They have finally ended. No more. I should be happy , shedding the tears of joy , jumping around like mad man , grinning like a clown , and be on cloud nine , yet none of that happens. It was just a simple feeling of relief , and that’s all . Before this I was deeply anticipating the end of it , the beginning of something new , but now that it has ended, I still feel as empty as I was feeling during the activities were held.

I wonder if I have feelings anymore. I feel so tired . Sometimes, I really wonder, do I really have a place to belong to ? It was weird , seeing how the rest relentlessly commit themselves, sacrificing their sweat ,blood and tears to do something that , in logical and rational thinking , will almost contribute nothing much to their future . Yet they seemed so happy doing it , and seems to be fully enjoying themselves every second.

I dunno . Somehow, the things that can intrigue or amused me seems to be gone little by little. Perhaps it is the process of growing up , but I am getting less amused by everyday happenings. It is as though there are nothing much that can bring my moods up and amuse me. It is as though as I give up looking forward for optimism and the promised happiness. It is as though hope has abandoned me.

From the start, I knew that I have strong inter and intrapersonal skills. It may sound abit egoistic and arrogant , but trust me , it is not. This statement is a mere jurisdiction of my analytical skills judging from my interest of people. I also knew that I am easily bored and can be very hard to be entertained from the start. However, I couldn’t imagine it could be this bad.

I know that I am not alone. I know that there are thousands , or maybe even millions more out there that have the same personality or attitude as mine. We, the silent millions are the ones who smile and put on a cheerful persona outside , the ones who are labeled optimists , happy-go-lucky people , the one who never gets tired or depressed. Yet, we know, deep inside, when we are alone , mind tricks began to collude our minds , the inner pessimistic realists take over , and we are left perplexed with the onslaught of confusing questions bombarding our minds.

So, tell me brothers and sisters , how do we solve the age-old mystery of acquiring happiness ? A few days ago , I was walking with one of my friend when we were asked to make a wish on the wishing tree nearby. I wished for happiness, love and joy. Is it that hard to achieve? In retrospect , I had acquired a prediction from a temple . The prediction, or more precisely , premonition about me states that in my life and future undertakings, I will be faced with a lot of obstacles before gaining tremendous success in the end. However, the pain is slowly killing me. How much longer must I endure to taste the sweet victory of success ?

 Just a moment ago , I was reading an article in newspaper that intrigues me. That article was talking about recognition and acknowledgement after death , which truly make a point. The writer cites the case of Amy Winehouse, a singer whose life was plagued with drugs abuse and whole lots of problems . Only after her death , she was recognized and acknowledged for her good deeds, the good side of her , the pain she suffered battling drugs , the fragility and tragedy of her life story. This is terrible. Why do we , humans only notice the hidden sides of someone , only after his/her death ? Why do we fail to know a person’s idiosyncrasies , the story of his life , the multiple facets of him when he was alive ? Why must we wait for his death only to moan and regrets not spending a little more time with him, eulogizing words of appreciation and his good deeds. Why? In the writer’s word “ Dying is the key to getting noticed” .

In a way , I supposed it was true. Maybe death is a way of saying that someone is human. Someone wants to be known , to be noticed . Someone has a story to tell. Someone has desires and wishes , hopes and failures. Someone wants a place in this world to belong to , to be loved and to love. Someone’s life wasn’t just about the things he did or said,but also about the things left undone or unsaid.

When I read the article , I felt a deep sense of nostalgia and a strong connection . Perhaps I am that someone who craves attention , but did not ever have the proper channel to display it, someone who is trying to find a place to belong to , yet fails to fit in any community . I am trying to change. I have had enough of being the “cheerful” guy . Sick and tired of being the joker or clown of the group . People ought to be more sensitive with their remarks.Just because I might fool around and crack some nonsensical jokes, it doesn't mean I can't be serious and emotional .So , please , grant me the strength to change , to overcome the fear of rejection , and to accept the courage of conviction.

As mentioned afore, the premonition states that I have many more battles to overcome before I can finally achieve success. So , I guess that means there will be more emotional , depressing even , gloomy blog posts to come in the future . Oh well , only those who had braved the stormy seas will find glory anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Wishing all the best for myself , and as always , hoping for love, happiness and peace for you and me ;). Until next rant ~. =D