Home

It has been a month since I entered university... and this is my second time going back home. Ah..home sweet home. People usually take things for granted, only to yearn for it when they are gone. Sad to say , the same applies to me. As I mentioned before in my previous post , the clothes that cleans themselves everyday , the never ending supply of snacks and food in refrigerator , the privacy of being alone. All these little conveniences that were found at home, vanished instantly when I stepped into the hostel.

There, I learned tolerance , acquired the ability to compromise and live with others and sometimes, it is nice to have a friend or two to be there when you feel bored or need some entertainment. Though, truth to be told, I still prefer the privacy and the precious moments of being alone at my home. Being away from home is a journey to find one's self. No, a more apt description would be the journey to rediscovering myself.

I had always wanted to break away from the norm.The conventional path of going to USM *the closest uni to my hometown , which is basically within driving distance * did not appeal to me at all.In fact,the very thought that I would be staying with the same old clique, doing the same thing over and over again, and staying in the same tiny island for years more to come, makes me dread going there.Henceforth, I applied for UM ... and I have to say , getting it is one of the best gift from heavens.

I learned so much in this one month. In fact, I think I learned more in this one month than my entire 10 years or more of formal education or more in Penang. Not that I would ridicule my beloved home or anything, but it is in my humble opinion that if you chose to stay where you are ,at this rate , you won't be going anywhere. And it is in my best interest that if I were to step out from my comfort zone , I would be able to discover more and learn more practical things which I can't learn in textbooks.

In this one month, I met alot of people from all walks of life. Friends from as far as Sarawak ,Sabah , and even a foreigner from China. All from different race, colour , creeds or even country, congregating in UM with a single goal in mind, education . I wouldn't dare say that all these people from all walks of life would be able to come together as one, living together unitedly and harmoniously . There are obvious social stigmas that divides the groups according to their races, for example, chinese , malay and india being the most influential ethnic groups there. But then again, apart from this usual scenario , there are a few people that truly advocates 1Malaysia concept and truly portrays this in their daily actions . And these people, are a very friendly bunch that mixes with everyone.

And then of course there are some bad apples even among us Chineses , people who are socially inept or should I say awkward ? Eventhough on the surface, everyone seems to live together harmoniously and peacefully , but as with everywhere else, the behind the scenes reveals that there are hidden conflicts everywhere. Here, I learned to mix around with everyone , albeit to a certain limit. I am not sure how my friendship here will progress but I am pretty sure it won't be as it is back in secondary school . Everyone virtually knows each other here, or should I say recognize each other? But there are cliques everywhere , and I am having difficulty finding the perfect clique for me.

For example , there are cliques that hang out with me when I go gym , cliques whom are my coursemates when I study , cliques that plays badminton .. and much more. It's like for every activity, there are different sort of people you will need to mix with. Of course, being able to mix with everyone is a good and advantageous thing , but still I still feel a void deep within my heart, my inner voice calling out to me to fill it, to find the clique whom I truly fits in , the place where I would be most at ease and shout out " This is where I belong" whenever I am with them. I have yet to come across that special clique yet, but hopefully I would be able to find them soon :).

On a side note, coming here made me realize that relationships shouldn't be rushed. It would be futile if you fall for every infatuation that strikes you. As one of my favourite quote goes " If you don't stand for something, you would fall for anything " . So, yeah... I have decided not to go after anyone in this few years to come unless I really did have a very strong feeling for her. It saddens me whenever something triggers the memories of my past relationships , past failed relationships, should I add. Then again, is it really that important? Can one live without love? Obviously the answer is not. But love can not only be derived from couples alone, there are alternative ways to obtain love.. and being desperate and pathetically seeking out someone certainly isn't the right way. So, let it be. If she belongs to me, no matter where she go , she will still come back to me :) If it's not, then let it go .

I digressed. Now, the bus journey back home from KL to Penang would take a minimum of 5 hours and would drop a bombshell of rm 70 per trip *back and forth* on my wallet. I used to complain a lot on this matter, especially the long, mundane trip that wastes 5 hours . But today, I did not feel bored at all. In fact, I felt a sense of peace, solace even, in my heart when I board the bus. Guess it's the feeling of anticipation ? The feeling of relief that I have finally come back home, to my beloved abode . The place where I truly belong?

I wonder. There are times where I felt better staying in KL too. Truth to be told . I didn't really miss my family members that much. What I truly missed are the conveniences of home. The material possessions and sense of privacy that I owned back at home. Through this journey , I discovered that though I may look to be very outgoing , vocal and even hyperactive at times , I do enjoy the solace and precious moments when I am alone. It allows me to reflect on my surroundings and focus my thoughts on what really matters. It allows me to hear my inner voice more clearly , and to answer them.. That is of the most importance I guess.. Everything else is secondary.

It is ironic how busy I am during the weekdays in KL but so bored and dull in the weekends. And though everyday seems to be a blur and the hustles and bustles during the weekdays took a heavy toll on my body , I am still actively participating in club and hostel activities.Guess that's my way of stopping my mind to be thinking too much ? Making myself busy and forget about everything else.

Despite all that, I find tremendous solace and relief in blogging and conveying my thoughts perfectly during my "ownself" moments like this. Arghh I am finding myself harder and harder to be understood. Perhaps a little more soul-searching is needed.

And with this, I end my pointless rant here. Now, I shall retreat to my tempting bed and let everything go. 2 more days to enjoy in my sweet home before going back to the warfield :). It's time to escape reality and move on to the Dream World :) . Good nite world.