Reality

I used to feel that I was invincible, invulnerable even . I used to think that one day, I will be able to conquer the world, making it dance on the palm of my hand . I used to think that stress and negative feelings won’t get to me , that I am practically immune to such things that only applies to the weaklings.

Indeed, ignorance is a bliss , and when the truth hits, it hurts, hurts real bad.

***

Maybe this is a stereotype, an over generalization , but whatever it is , it remains a truth with majority of the people. There’s an unspoken rule that those who appears cheerful and most happy on the surface , are the people who actually suffers the most deep down inside when they are alone. After much encounter with such people, I realize that this is a fact. And these kind of people who are usually happy-go-lucky on the outside, are the ones that are most emotionally sensitive. And yours truly happens to be in this particular category of people.

Now, the thing is, these type of people are practically the most difficult type of people to deal with. They put on a poker face and a fake smile, expecting you to decipher their innermost desires by just looking at them. They like to seek attention and be the centre of it . However, that is only a momentarily high that they seek, their true satisfaction comes from being with those who can look past their poker face and fake smile, deep into their heart and understand them fully .Unfortunately, the society nowadays Is too shallow and too judgmental that they only look at the surface to judge someone.

***

Now,my last post was about how I reached K.L and wondering what awaits me in the following days.Well, it’s been a full week after that last post,and I have gotten the answer. What actually happened in that last week? Hell , I would say. It turns out that I have juggling with too much things than I can handle. On 3^rd of February , I went to Malacca for my first camp , a musical camp called Da Yao, a camp to prepare us for a performance on the near end of March ( I am in the dance group of the performance ). Obviously , the torture part is inherent as I felt like I was being ripped off and forced to go at first ( it was RM 120 for 4D 3N camp and there are a whole lot of complications about the camp in which we,the participants aren’t been divulged the details at first ). But ,I went ahead anyway because I already paid.

The hell part is evident as we have to wake up at around 5 am every morning to practice dancing , sleep again at around 7 am , and proceed with the activities scheduled for the camp until late midnight before the cycle repeats itself again and again . At this point, I might hear some of you thinking or saying “ hey,you call that hell? That’s not so bad, I once had a camp where I didn’t sleep at all for a week.. bla bla “ or something similar to that. You know what ? Yeah, I totally agree with you. That ain’t so bad afterall for normal people that is.. I am abnormal in a way. Aside from my eye complications, I have my acne-prone skin to take care of. So,factoring in these two stuff, and the stress and pressure that caused all those small little craters to break out simultaneously and jeopardizing my face, turning it into a perfect canvas for disaster and making me look like a monster, what do you think now? Hell yet?

The thing is, I really hate people who talks as if they know it all. Those people who always just considered that situation as the most stressful and worst of all without considering the fact that there are others worst than them . Sometimes, I might fall prey to this self-centered attitude too, but more than often I always try to put myself In their shoes first. But I just can’t stand people who starts shooting you as if they have been there and experienced your situation first hand while in actual fact , they are totally clueless about your pain and misery.The worst kind of people, are those that never tries to understand people and only speak from their own perspective. Though, I know that most of us, if not all, are liable to these accusation one point or another , but please , I plead and beg of you, I implore you all to just stop and try to think for a second about their situation from their point of view before you start judging them. If everyone could just be a little bit more compassionate and do this , I am sure this world will be much better.

I digressed. Now, back to my camp story. It’s not all doom and gloom though , aside from the abnormalities on my face, I kinda enjoyed the atmosphere there. The people there are exceptionally talented and ridiculously crazy and funny too. And to be able to be together with them , sharing the same passion of music and dance, to learn new things together ,and to be able to be a part of their big family , certainly does put a smile to my face ;). ( though the experience would definitely be infinitely better without my breakouts . I would definitely enjoyed it more ).

So, anyway , when the camp ends and I have to go back to my uni for my second “camp” ( I considered it a camp as afterall, we will be just training and practicing the entire week ) , I leaved with mixed feelings , a feeling of relief as I don’t have to be sleep deprived and wake up at ungodly hour to practice anymore , and a tinge of sadness, I would not be able to see those great people and learn more with them for a while.

Anyway,first camp ended, and the second one has started. This one is better as I don’t have to wake up so early anymore but still not that much different as I have to adhere to a strict schedule too ( due to the fact that I took up too many things ) . Just to give you a glimpse of how I am surviving in that one week ordeal , this is my schedule everyday. 1.30 pm to 4.00 pm choir practice morning session , 7.00 pm to 11.00 pm choir practice night session . > 11.00 pm drama session till midnight , and the nightmare continues again the very next day.

At this point of time, most people who came back early to join this camp are already filled with pangs of guilt and regret , regret because they came back on 5^th of February while the rest of their uni friends are still having their holiday until 19^th of February. Well, I came back on 2^nd .. and the fact that I have another camp on 10^th of February ( AIESEC camp ) to worry about just made it worse . The stress and pressures were unbearable . Maybe , to some of you, this level of stress is normal , not even a stress perhaps, but hey , everyone is different , and my limit just happens to be a slightly lower . Then, it finally got to me. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I hit rock bottom and depression sets in. I just couldn’t stand the thoughts of being in this place , and going to another stress-filled camp anymore. I already too much more than what I am capable of handling.

So, on 10^th of February , I listened to my heart instead. I chose to forgo all reasons and logics and instead embraced my instinct . My conscience was clear. I chose to be happy. ;)

***

Whatever happens next , will be beyond my control , but I do know that , I will not have any regrets making this decision. As the wind of change sweeps in and the cool,light breeze gently swept pass my face, I knew I was right.This familiar feeling of comfort …… I have arrived ;).