Sometimes...

*dup dup * Heart palpitates with furious beats, with each beat producing a more distinctly louder thumping sound than the previous beat , eventually it reaches even the echoes of my ears then *thump* a loud thump , and a sudden stop.

*Dead silence*
Then, a ray of light shines glamorously towards me ,signalling the end of my bus trip. I have arrived , finally, at K.L , again.

***

My mind just refuses to think anymore . Too much worries and stress clouded my rational thinking that my brain decides to just give up on thinking about it. I have been to K.L for more than 10 times already now, yet the 5 hours bus journey from my hometown , Penang to K.L has never failed to amaze me . Each bus journey is always different from the previous one due to the different kind of bus and the roads they travel , but one thing remains more or less the same ,the travel time.

This time is no difference. I boarded the bus at 3.30 pm and reached Pudu Sentral at approximately 9 pm. That is a freaking 5 hours and 30 minutes travel time in a bus.But I am not complaining. There's a cliche that says that you will only realize how important some stuff is after you lost it. I learnt this the hard way. I have lost the precious time that I could spend in my hometown , sacrificing it for some other activities. While other people are going back to their respective uni on 19th of February, here I am , ranting about my predicament right in my university on 2nd of February. Not exactly something I really wanted.

But then again, as the camp and activities have yet to be executed, I shouldn't be judgmental and assume that I will be happier at home rather than here for the next 2 weeks. Who knows, the next 2 week here would be the best time I will ever have in my life? Haha , hopes ~ ahh

I digressed, anyhow, as I have mentioned before, every bus journey is different, and 5 hours 30 minutes is a pretty long time . And being a big thinker that thinks a lot, I used a a bulk of that time to reflect on my current self .

I am sure there are a lot of people that think of me as that friendly,happy-go-lucky, childish guy that always goes around making people laugh , the silly joker, clown that won't grow up forever.Heck,even I think myself to be like that sometimes. But then again, deep inside my heart, it's not really who I wanna be. I have never intended to be childish and be the silly joker that makes people laugh while suffering all the gloom and despair myself. I never did. But it just so happened to be that my outer shell , the way I presented myself is like that. All I ever wanted was to make people happy, and I succeed, most of the time anyway. But in the end , I myself am the one who suffers the most.

I truly refuse to be thought as the childish clown anymore. I refuse to accept such label and I intended to change all that. What I truly wanna be is the matured , helpful guy that is worth being considered as potential partner, not some silly clown that is helpful , but forever be in the friend zone. And I notice i complain too much too sometimes , often for a good reason and logical purpose, but it just seems that people fail to understand why I did that sometimes? Is it wrong to stand up for what you believe in? Is it wrong to be romantic and sensitive? Is it wrong to act the way I am yet still believing in hope? As my reflection goes on , so does my bus continue moving...

As I approaches my destination , slowly but surely , a familiar feeling began to surface from the corner of my heart , accelerating my heart beats rate . Ah... the unwelcomed feeling of loneliness and darkness have arrived . I hate to say this , but even I can get scared and lonely sometimes. No, a better way to phrase this is that everyone gets lonely,depressed and gloomy sometimes. This is especially true to those who always smiles a lot and cheerful in front of people. In fact, these kind of people are the most prone to loneliness and depression. Damn it, if only more people would realize that .

****

Now,let's go back a little in time shall we? Today is rather tumultuous day for me . I woke up at 7 am with a deep feeling of anxiety and uncertainty. Anxiety, because my face is still full of acne scars and the fact that I will have to meet a few of my old friends and even juniors in a few minutes time scares me.Uncertainty, because I know that today will be the day I go back to K.L and faces all the people still with my badly damaged face.I am very tempted to just skip all of the activities and isolates myself from the rest, forming my own social seclusion and abstain from meeting anyone until my face cures , but unfortunately , my moral obligation forbids me from doing so.

So, off I go , meeting my old friends and juniors with a poker face and a fake smile on my face, pretending not to give a single damn about my appearance when I am itching to just dig a hole and bury myself deep inside.And I even resisted my rational idea of staying home and board the 3.30 pm bus to K.L anyway.Now, back to the bus journey.

***

I pride myself as being the master of my emotions ,able to manipulate and control my emotions as I wish , yet sometimes I fall prey to them. When you are riding a bus alone for 5 hours 30 minutes, arriving at an unfamiliar dark place far different from your hometown , and knowing that there's still some distance from the place bus drop you and your hostel, and the fact that you have to walk back alone carrying 3 bags in an unsecured place ALONE ,can be rather fearsome = ).So yeah, I succumbed to that negative thoughts for awhile.

But my emotions fluctuates like a rollercoaster ride, it can go extremely high one moment and goes right to severe depression the next moment. And luckily , this has worked in my favour this time. When I was boarding the LRT , it occured to me that no matter what I think of, life still goes on.

True, there might be no one who is able to understand me the way I am now , and I might get lonely and depressed from time to time , yearning for a woman who understands me and who will nurture me with love, but hey, THIS IS HOW LIFE WORKS. Life is naturally unfair ,and obstacles and challenges are bound to be in your way. Obviously , you have two choices , keep on complaining and wallowing in your self-pity OR SUCK IT ALL UP and MOVE ON !!! ;)

I have read somewhere that negative thoughts and stress are bad for my skin ... ah.. that explains it. So, now I am doing everything in my power to stop those negative thoughts as well as a whole lot of other stuff ( diet ,lifestyle ,etc ). To my body and mind, I am seriously doing my best now, so please cooperate with me and get rid of those acnes and scars , please? =) I trust that you can.

And to my emotional self, don't worry , just be happy.Stress and negative thoughts won't do you any good. Give yourself a pat on the back and nurture your soul with positive energies. You will find the one soon ! Your face will heal itself soon ! Everything is gonna be okay soon!! :)
There's a quote that sounds like this , "In the midst of every difficulty, lies opportunity " ,hence, survive this ordeal, and you will definitely be stronger and better than the rest.

Last but not least, recently I have found an old cliche in which I am determined to embed as my own personal motto. This is it !

" Everything will be okay in the end . If it's not okay , then it's not the end yet ;) ".

Let tomorrow and the days after that be filled with joy, happiness and lots of lots of love ~ =D