Reflection of the midnight circus.

*BAMP* BAMP * BAMP* Noises everywhere. Buzzes .,Slowly but surely , the clattering noises echoed around the empty room , filling it entirely and plunging the entire atmosphere into a cacophony of mess and disasters. There is nothing but a chaotic mix of mess and turbulence. Then, the entire thing stopped. An awkward,dead silence ensued . And such.. is the metaphor for my heart now.

***
It's march. And i am getting used to this kind of writing style now. A short story-like description of my feelings and then the direct musings to follow up. Mm.. yeah.. I like this style. Without further ado, let's move to our main topic of musing tonight , as the title suggests , it's a self-reflection for the latest happening in my life so far. Woah.. I am feeling rather melancholy tonight, so this post is gonna be crazy long I guess .

It's march , the month of hustle and bustle ,the much dreaded and yet anticipated month of the year so far. Ah.. the irony . Such contradiction warrants a logical reasoning. Indeed, the question is why ? Why the dread ? Answer : because of the various activities that requires commitment will be having their main event on this particular month ,coupled with a few mid sem exams , hence the stress level is once again elevated to its maximum potential. Paradoxically , it's the same reason I anticipate march to end, because the end of march also marks the end of my hectic , busy , activity-centric life .Hooray!! Oxymoron much.

Hmm.. so what do this month mean to me? It means a lot. I have noticed that in this month , the focus of my uni life is more towards activities more than studies. In other words, I commit more to activities ( due to I taking in too much, more than I can handle , my fault anyway ) rather than to my academic performance. But that's fine , as I totally believe in the principle of getting on the job hands down rather than relying on second-handed information. I mean, if you never did get involved in that activity , how can you rate / comment on it based on just what other people said ?Besides, what rumours and gossip dictates can be falsely misleading ,and you will never know what to expect unless you joined it. So, bearing this principle behind my back, I resolved to join as much activities as I can in sem 1, which results in serious repercussion haunting me back now in this sem 2.

But it's alright. It's fine . I will just think of this semester as my experimentation sem . Now that I have done it all , seen it all , it's time to be selective and decisive the next time. I would have that wealth of information backing me up the next time I make a decision. I would be able to make an informed decision then. So , yeah.. this semester, this month in fact, have been such an eye-opener. I have seen and heard so much that it exceeds my expectation. It has been a harsh revelation to me for I have seen the good,bad and ugly nature of human.

The good,the bad and the ugly . These elements are fundamental in every human being, in fact , it's safe to say that almost everyone have them , it's just a matter or who have which element more . Call me cynical if you will, but I believe, deep inside, everyone did something for their own happiness/ benefits. Even the most good natured ,selfless people you have ever met, will do something for their own good one point or another. This is the basic survival instinct of human.And my hypothesis have been proven right. This month,I saw how some people, will for their own benefits , backstab others , badmouth the rest and do other seemingly trivial stuff that demeans and demonizes others . No matter how trivial it may seem, the motive is still there, to make ourselves happy , no matter the cost. Not that I am surprised with such clear results.

It's just that.. I expect something more in this university life. It's the big phase in our life afterall , University, the last schooling phase before we move on to the so called real world, working life. But no.. nothing much have changed after all. Pigs wearing human mask continue to rear their ugly heads , fools that don't think before they say anything , idiots that continue to baffle me with their idiotic mindset of pointing fingers and judging before putting themselves in others' shoes,people who keep on pretending and faking to gain sympathy, trust and benefits ,and worst of all , insensitive people who are incapable of sensing emotions and feelings. Tsk. it's frustrating really . Why are there people like that? But of course.. nobody is perfect, even I myself is susceptible to such fallacies. Yet, I can't help to think.... WHY? Why in the world do people fall prey to the above mentioned fallacies? IF , if and only if people can do more for the sake of others rather than for the sake of themselves just once, then definitely this world will be a much better place.

In the recent article that I read for the sake of my critical english course , there's a quote which I find very intriguing. " Love is the prime mover of relationships between human " . In this world, there's so many people who preach and teach about how love can save the world, yet how many of them are actually practising them ? I gave up being a good ,selfless person a long time ago when I saw how corrupted has this world become. In this cruel,realistic world, it's each one for yourself. There are indeed true, selfless people who sacrifices themselves for the sake of others ,but they are rare and few .Besides, will self sacrifice put food to your table? Will it make you and your precious ones happy ? It will, if everyone acts the same way, but unfortunately this world is filled with more pigs donning human mask rather than actual benevolent human being .

Hence, I came to this conclusion that in befriending people , one needs to be selective. Social network is important , but to get too close to another people will just expose you to his/her myriads of problems and ugly sides. Getting too personal may in turn hurts yourself. And it's best to avoid or just maintain minimal contact with other well-known cynical ,striving for personal gain bastards. Ah.. in this harsh world of reality , looking for a good friend/ love is like finding a needle in an ocean.

Recently , I re-watched a Hindi movie called "3 Idiots " again. ( Watch it if you haven't , it's a MUST WATCH ). The points made and its take on life is so spot-on that anyone who have intellect and a humour sense would definitely enjoy the movie and the message behind it. The movie talks about how one should have passion in whatever he/she is doing, as "striving for success is futile , we should strive for excellence, and if we do, success will come chasing us, pants down " ( quote from the movie ) and to strive for excellence, we must have passion in whatever that we do.

Then , a random thought hit me. What will I be feeling on my convocation day? In a mere blink of an eye, semester 2 has began and it's slowly coming to an end. What felt like an eternity suddenly became so close. The bitter reality that has sunk in is that in mere 2 and a half years, I will be leaving my university life and making the transition into working soon. How do I see myself in the future 2 and a half years? I will definitely be asking myself.. what have I done in this university life. Did I enjoy it ? Did I hate it? Are there any regrets? Resentments even? All these questions suddenly popped in my head. Am I doing the right thing now? The important question being " How should I live my next 2 and a half year in order to have no regrets in my convocation day? "

So many questions, yet so little answer. But that is life. Life is full of unanswered questions. And then there are questions with no real right or wrong answer. This reminds me of one of the late Steve Job's quote. "“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.” , his response to few of life’s challenges that hit him over the course of several years, , and looking back, he realized that that ended up being hugely significant towards later realizations in life. I think it’s really a great way of putting life’s challenges into perspective, or really, anything you do in life…looking back and seeing how they connect with where you are now.

So, right now , I still can't quite connect the dots yet.. but I trust that if I live my life in accordance to this question " How should I live my next 2 and a half year in order to have no regrets in my convocation day? " , I believe happiness can't be far from this huh? Oh well.. let it be and we will see... Till the next rant. Tata