Ah~ a journey through my mind~

Lately, i have been thinking again.On9 Off9, these are all basis to my life now.If i would want to make a progress in my life.. i should make a twist on it.Slowly but surely i am realizing that i ain't a kid anymore.Despite all the angst that i threw in previous posts, i figured.. that well,i am just a teenager after all ? getting emotional and anguish over nothing? typical teens lifestyle.Now, it is time i make a move.. i will not be online for a while.. and with the time i have now, i wish to take it upon myself to venture into my mind... searching for what i really want. and what i could do to accomplish it!I felt like travelling across the world right now.. by nothing but my own feet.Well ok, maybe not the world just some small area around my neighborhood.haha.Man, i am getting indulge in anime world too much.But ah it really is interesting eh ? the fictitious world of anime , u go on a journey around ,meeting new friends and discovering yourself? cool huh ? i wonder will this happen in real world? Ah well, nothing is impossible, i am off to find it out!

The Other Side of Me...

*Sigh* and again i begin my post...Me , the cheerful and optimistic type? Wrong,Dead wrong!I am just being cheerful and optimistic outside i guess? Sometimes i do not understand myself.What am i really like?Who am i?Man, i am getting sick of myself.Why the heck can't i just have a truly happy and peaceful life for just once?Instead,i come here and rambles craps about my self.Out of so many places, i think this is the only place i can hide and rants out all my sealed feelings.

I might look like an ordinary guy who is always happy outside,but inside the shell i am nothing but a scared kid... with a lot of thoughts.. who wants nothing but attention.I guess this is what people called "alter-ego" eh?I yearn for ppl's attention!for ppl to talk to me! for ppl to understand me. However , it seems this is to no avail.All my yearning just went down to drain....and even worse some actually backfired!!!What can i said? All this is my own doing!!

Truly,my life is getting from bad to worse.Now, truly i am beginning to feel the agony of net. Online life is actually .. not a life at all. From time to time,no matter how hard i try to protect the "bond" that exists between me and friends,Somehow .. time will just break it apart.Why?Why do this happen?After all the efforts,the time and the life i am spending in it, what i gain ..are just plain agony.Why must this happen?Despite all that,i finally realize.. Enough is enough,i am tired of it anymore.Having been scarred a thousand time, i got the message already... the net .. is no longer the place where i can hide ......

What is it with net,when i thought i rise to heaven, a kick just drop me down to hell.Are you toying with me?Are you playing me ?If so then congratz you just hit the bull's eye.I am all dead.I do not know why?Maybe because i seeks attention?and when ppl ignored me , i tends to fell apart..Slowly but surely, my mind is falling apart... like the pieces of puzzles i use to play with last time but this one is different,these pieces are never going to mix together again.People said "Good memories are to be treasured and cherished" but how about the bad memories? Do you just ignore them and hope time banishes them? or Do you just wait for it to vanish it self?That is idioitic as they won't go ! they tends to stick around you and annoy you to no ends..Thats what is happening with me now.

I am down.. i lost my self in the sea of love,money and power.....I just dunno what the hell am i thinking now anyway!!!Why must things end this way?If i got a wish now,i can only hope for one thing , that is for time to move backward .. to the way things are still good yet....
All i can do is just to pray and hope to lives another day.. may life changes for me..

...Numb....

Now i am numb,void of all emotions... happiness,sadness,boredom,loneliness, no ... all gone. Have u ever felt that ?that is what i call numbness.Having unable to express emotions is equal to being dead.I hated that. i loathe it... that feeling of being lonely .. and no shoulders to cry on, no one to share with .. Definitely that is a feeling worse than death.Pain ... it strike my heart.Having suffered this both mentally and physically, i do not realize who got this emotions too but .. the problem is how will someone ever survive this?ah.. i always hated the lonely emotion.the pain,.. the agony ..the terror.. I CAN'T bear it anymore! someone.. save me pls! what am i doing online everyday? it is like i am begging for mercy, hoping someone would notice me.... but the fact is ..life is merciless.All the attention i seek will never come to me.It is kinda awkward for me to be blogging such pessimistic topic on day light but well,the fact is i am numb now and i need to find some way to express it.

Lately i have been thinking a lot , msn is but a way to get alive for a short moment.It only gives you temporary escape to the illusionary joy of life.In the end,you will still be bored and alone.So what if u got a lot of contacts on9, do they actually Talk to u ? do they ? or do u just add them to show that " wow , i got a lot of contacts" that kind of thing.For me, it is either they talk , or get blocked ! man i am being merciless myself.Now, i really hope i never add those who i never talk with.I mean what is the point of adding anyone if they don't talk at all?It really doesn't make any sense at all! ah..desolation... i felt like dieing.. Now that i think about it,i realize i am a true idiot.It would be much better to know people face-to-face rather than crapping on the net. Ah . well... but it is true too that i can get a lot of good,new friends through net.

However,it is because of my incompetence to go out that i resorted to just stick in the house and just online.While i am wasting time here,some of my friends might be earning money,some of them might be studying and preparing for spm,some of them might be training for chess, and etc etc. Despite knowing all that, i am still here ... pondering and wondering the biggest question of universe: what is the meaning of life itself?

Two roads diverge in the forest.....

The roads? which one should i take? the one with lesser obstacle? or the one with more thorns?I do not know.I am still young.So, why do i think so much?In fact , i think too much.Not in the sense of academic performance but rather in the sense of life philosophy.There are just too much to think about.Money,love,academic,future,past,and also social life.Right now it just seems that everything are being jumbled up all together.Everything is messed up.

Money ? it is indeed true that money can't buy everything but the converse of it is also true which is without money,you can't get anything!I need money,$$!Money can't be falling from the sky, so i have to work for it!I need to work!I have been saying that line repeatly for a long time but .. do i truly have courage and confidents to handle it ? No! Frankly, i am not prepared yet for work.I have nearly zero social communication skill and thus this renders me unable to work popular jobs such as promoters,salesman and such.I know.. I just know that i can do it but i just not yet have the courage to bring my inner self out.What do i know ? Nothing! i do not possess a single skill or any working experience.Some might think i am good in computer but no i am not good in computer , i just have passion for it!If possible,i prefer to work behind the background...Still, i need to get a work! to earn money! There are just too much things that i want to get!All of which requires MONEY!So, embrace myself! i need to work!

Love? Nowadays teens just mistaken the true meaning of love.All there is are either pupply love or nothing at all.... I do not understand them.Where is the chemistry between two people?My love life is heading no where.In truth , i do not know if i even have a love life at all.
I do realize everyone is destined to find a lover .. or rather everyone wants to find a lover.So do i! But how to begin ? How to start?I cant just go out and simply looking for a random girl.That would be psychiotic and chaotic act.Ah.. life .. it is really making a fool out of me.Now, i am starting to get some female friends.I believe this would be the start.Dream girl ... is still far away from present.When will i find one ?I do not know...

Academics..it is long gone in my memory.Now,whenever i hear someone talking about marks,i will surely avoid them.I do know my marks for previous test is devastatingly low.Therfore,i wish to run away. I wish to avoid that Question! Is it all right for me to do that ?Right now, my biggest problem might be this academic performance.This determines my future!

Future.. future depends upon what i act now and currently, my act is undefined,undefinite and it is heading towards an unknown path.I live just to survive another day now.Unless my life takes twist,i wouldn't have a future,would i ?Afterall,everything that i have been doing now affects my future.If i were to have a bad future,there is only me in the present to blamed.Past? My past is long gone too.Actually, past,present and future are all interconnected,so if my present gone, so do my future.

Last but not least,Relationship.In general,relationship means the just relationship between friends,family,and others.But for me,i felt it .. i truly felt that the bonds between me and other people are weakening.if i did not struggle to do something,surely it will break and certainly, i do not want that to happen.So,please ,please , do not let the bond severe anymore.i will do my best to protect it.If there is one thing i care the most, it is most certainly be the "bond" between me,my friends and families....

My life is heading no where.. Pls change me!Let this change.Let this have a twist!

A Dull Life...

.. What is life ? Once again i come rambling around and ranting nonsense.Life?Nowadays, it really doesn't matter anymore.It is just so Dull!Boring,tedious...Must we repeat ourself with the same things to do daily?Before going to bed,remind myself that the next day i will work hard and accomplish something.The next day i woke up,the memory bits the dust ....what can i do ?It is the same mundane day.Life is repeating itself! wake up , eat ,sleep, on computer , play ,then sleep again and once again dream to accomplish something another day.This will never change.... YET ..YET we continue to live our lifes the same daily.NO! It can't be like this.No way. I must do something. i must struggle to achieve something.If i tried, at least i won't feel remorse, at least i won't felt regret that i tried.In a way, this really make me feel idiotic.I keep telling the same line to my self : " there is still another day" ... when will i learn? when will my life take a twist in the turn?..Until then, i will keep repeating this same day...

Funny ?

hehe it is 2.10 a.m in the morning, i am having school at 7 a.m later... 5 more hours.. and i am here on9 ?XP this is funny lol I just visited friendster and i noticed a puppy love between a couple haha. man, this is funny.Thinking it just makes me feel like laughing lol.On the other note, i have been bz thinking lately, about my future again .. serious i need money! need it to buy new hp,need it to buy sim card,need it to hang out. XP SO please,by any means, i must get a work! on a completely different note , i just noticed , sarang hae yo and dui shou... NICE songs ^^wah i am having enjoyable chats lately,hope this will continue ^^