Attachment.

Another day, another struggle.It has been almost 4 months since the end of spm.Life... haven't been too hard for me, nor was it too easy.I guess, it must have taken a toll on me.Spm, the supposedly life-changing experience that will dramatically improve or rather "evolve" my otherwise,simple and nondescript life did not seem to work it's magic.

My life retains the same without colours, it is still the same monochromatic colours that is painting my life story now,instead of all those colourful memories filled with bittersweet emotions and feelings.

The angst is still there, I do still throw tantrums occassionally. And of course,last but not least, the attachment ... is still there.I still remain clueless as where my future is heading, as of how am I supposed to live life,carrying this "burden" on my shoulders,and of course,how do I survive in the present remains a big mystery to me.

Not to say nothing productive have happened to me in the last few months. I took up guitar,my first musical instrument that I started learning,I worked ( albeit for a short terms only ),I read two novels and started to develop a passion of reading ( yeah, I did not really enjoy reading before ). and of course I started thinking seriously about my future.

I did learn a lot from this past few months.First and foremost,I learnt that in order to master something,discipline is needed,lot of discipline infact.This has been taught on me the hard ways by taking up guitar and working.

Never did I realise it would be this hard to learn something new without any guidance at all.There were plenty of times I thought of giving up and just give an excuse " I just wasn't born for this " but no... I persevered ...now , although I can't say that I am good at it, at the very least I learnt the basics of guitar.At the very least, I felt some sense of accomplishment for not giving up ! =D. As of working, I did discovered that in real life, it is really tough out there.

Things such as empathy,sympathy and other feelings are practically useless.It ain't an ideal world with protection out there.... Outside, it is a dangerous world,shrouded by mysteries and cloaked in a shadow..with strings being pulled almost everywhere. I ventured in once, and I stepped back,vowing never to step in again.

I admit , I lack enthutiasm and determination in working, but that is because the work I had wasn't involving my passions or interests at all.Still,it is of no excuse for my resignation.Well,at the very least , I shall remember this and think of it as a lesson so that I will not repeat the same mistake twice.

Moving on, nowadays, I find reading quite interesting. In fact , I have grown quite fond of reading that I have actually managed to read many thick books which I thought are strictly for nerds only that I never even will think of touching it before.Books are windows to our souls.Some books deserved readings as they would greatly improve your knowledges and intellect.

Next,my future.This is where I fell. I have completely had it.I was once dominated by the thoughts of it.It was too much for my humble brain to interpret.The possibilities are simply endless.I started thinking about some paths that will lead me overseas.

However, I soon realise by doing so, I have been restricting myselfs of other alternatives.Soon, although reluctant, I tried to open up by looking at the other point of view.What da ya know? It is a completely new world there.I can't even begin to descibe the possibilities.The sky's the limit.For now, I have decided that I will follow where the wind takes me.

In retrospect,along this few months ,although the passage of time was marching on relentlessly, I kept stumbled in between,regularly turning my head to look at the past.The memories of the past clearly remains a large attachment that keeps me from going on.I tried to let go,only to let it haunt me back again..

I tried embracing it,only to discover it was too much of a pain to bear.Forsaking it means I will be letting go of my past,those fun-filled schooling days, those adolescence memories.Still, the past remains a double-edged sword.However one tries to avoid it ,behind those happy stories lies some sad and sappy one.

Who could forget those gloomy days filled with terrors and fears?Who could forget the pain and agony of having any form of rejection? I know I can't.

Perhaps it would be the best to silently bear the pain while keep moving on.Hopefully the years ahead will show me a path where I will attain happiness and escape those tragic stories once and for all.I shall remain positive for now.Definitely the ray of hope will shine through this mist of darkness,and along it brings happiness,joy and peace to all.

May the days ahead be well... for you and me. =D